I know, I know, I’ve been totally remiss in posting Part II of my Theory of Bears Blog. I’ve read your letters, I’ve heard your impassioned cries … I’ve ….
OK: that’s complete and utter bullshit. Nobody wrote to me. Nobody was “chomping at the bit” as they say to read my stuff … but bear with me …. I like to imagine it happens that way, sometimes, when I’m hearing the voices ….
So yeah. Without further ado, I present the exciting conclusion to my highly-unscientific but sort of amusing theory about bears, bear behavior, and the application of same to life in NYC.
Did I mention, incidentally, that just recently a woman was GNAWED UPON in her FREAKIN’ TENT by a BEAR who was, perhaps, making a political statement about opening ANWR …. or not. But … for fuck’s sake!! Things are going crazy up here in AK. Palin for VP, Bears gnawing on any old bony person they can get their lips on … perhaps we’re moving at the right time?
So, let’s begin.
1) Remember: we learned from the first part of this essay that when meeting a bear in the wilderness, it is useful to be able to distinguish whether it’s a brown (grizzly) bear, or a black bear;
2) Depending on what type of bear you bump into when you’re meandering down a sunshiny trail, you should either: a) in the case of a black bear, make lots of noise, hold your jacket above your head like you’re one of them spitting dinosaurs from Jurassic Park, and generally face that fuzz-ball down, or b) in the case of a brown bear, it’s more often best to play dead, curl into a ball and cover the back of your neck with your hands and lay really really still while the slavering monster has his toothy way with your shoulder-blades and elbows.
so — I shall now apply this concept to potentially scary and/or threatening and/or dangerous people situations in the Big Apple. *ahem*
I imagine there’s two main types of potentially scary and/or threatening and/or dangerous people we might meet:
1) Crazy Hobos, and
2) Terrifying members of the Soprano family.
The crazy hobos (oops, I’m sorry, that’s so un-PC of me, I mean Hobos with the Crazy … sorry … inside joke).
Anyway, where was I … oh yes … Hobos with the Crazy. These are the black bears of New York — they’re wily and aggressive and, often, full of a lot of bluff and bravado, but, if you face them down or act just as chock-fulla-crazy … you’ll more than likely scare them off.
The terrifying members of the Soprano family, however, are the grizzlies of New York. You bump into one of them, you should try to make as little noise as possible, and sneak away so they don’t notice you. If they do notice you, however, and if they start coming near you like they wanna introduce you to the tire iron they keep in their jacket-sleeve (it’s named Louie, the tire iron, you’d like him if you met him in different circumstances) … if they seem to be coming toward you, but you’re not sure — it might be the cute little school girl to your left, or the bleakly artistic looking film-school student on your right (sorry, Sean), or the nervous-looking accountant standing just to the right of the film student — it could be anyone, it could be YOU … you should immediately collapse to the ground, curl up in a ball, cupping the back of your neck with your tightly clasped fingers … and whatever you do, don’t look up, because if it was a grizzly in the wilds of Alaska, you just might lose your head, but if it’s a Soprano family member … well … you don’t exactly want to be a key witness in one of those big mafia trials, now, do you?
I didn’t think so.
Incidentally — I have no idea what caribou might represent, but I have my researchers working on it night and day. Yep … sure do.
